'Inappropriate' is Subjective
The word “inappropriate” sounds clear, but it actually depends on many invisible social rules. Those rules can change depending on things like:
- Culture: Social norms vary significantly between different countries and ethnic groups.
- Religion: Certain actions may be forbidden in one faith but encouraged in another.
- Location: Behavior that is acceptable at a park may not be acceptable in a library.
- Personal Associations: Individuals may have private meanings for words or actions based on their own life experiences.
- Family Rules: Each family may have their own set of rules that combine their community, religion, and culture.
Because the word is so broad, it often fails to communicate why a behavior should stop. It relies on a shared social "code" that not everyone understands or agrees upon.
Subjective: based on or influenced by personal feelings, emotions or opinions
Objective: based on facts
Literal Thinkers Need Clear Reasons
Some people understand rules best when the rules are specific and concrete. Many social expectations are unwritten and implied. Literal thinkers often need those expectations explained directly rather than assumed.
If they hear: “That’s inappropriate.”
They think "what?", "why?", they may genuinely have no idea what behavior needs to change.
But if they hear: “That [specific behavior] makes some people feel uncomfortable.”
the expectation becomes clearer. The focus shifts from a vague moral rule to a social impact.
A Clearer Way to Explain
Instead of framing behavior as “inappropriate,” it can help to frame it around comfort and respect.
For example:
- “Some people feel uncomfortable when that [specific behavior] happens.”
- “Different people have different comfort levels.”
- “Even if we don’t understand why something bothers someone, we try to be respectful when we can.”
- "I find that sound/word uncomfortable. Could you please use a different one?"
- "That behavior makes it hard for me to focus. Can we find a compromise?"
- "I understand you are being silly, but that specific voice makes me uncomfortable."
This approach explains the social reasoning behind the request.
Example:
Person A says “Daddy” in a silly voice.
Person B associates that word with adult-only contexts and feels uncomfortable.
Person B taps a pencil repeatedly.
Person A finds the sound overwhelming.
Neither person intended harm, but both behaviors affect someone else’s comfort. The respectful thing to do, is both of them to stop.
Respect doesn’t require understanding the other person’s feelings. It simply means choosing to adjust one's behavior when possible. Treat them with the same respect you want them to treat you with.
The Real Skill We Are Teaching
The lesson isn’t “never do this behavior.”
The lesson is:
- People experience the same behavior differently.
- Different spaces may require different behaviors.
- Social spaces involve shared comfort.
- Respect sometimes means adjusting behavior even when we don’t fully understand the reason.
That’s a much more useful skill than memorizing a long list of things labeled “inappropriate.”